Concerned

[Laddie's Mom]

Hello, well, Laddie is now 8 months old. He is behaving better than he use to. I now use one of those "easy walk" harnesses, and he hardly pulls, which is great. I love him dearly, but, I am still sad, he seems to love everyone, and only wants to stay near me when no one else is around, even when a stranger comes to the door, he will leave me lickity split and go to them, then, it is hard to get him to come to me. It really hurts my feelings, he definitely prefers Steve to me, I have shared this before, and to be honest, I am tired of it. I got him to help with my depression, etc, and it is only adding to it. Steve seems to encourage it as well.

I just do not know what to do, when we are alone together, it is fantastic, but let anyone be near, and so much for the companionship. I am wondering if I should sell him and try another dog, or just live with it and hope he will change.

Oh, sorry I have not been posting much, I have been ill and just not been up to doing much of anything, I will blame it on homesickness.

 

[Caro]

I know it seems to be taking a long time, but he really will attach more closely to you as he gets older. He's only just hit adolescence. They do start caring less about others and focusing more on the family

Maybe you could teach him to look to you first before going up to other people. It's something they teach you at obedience classes - controlled greetings it's often called. Use a treat get him to sit and look at you then give him the treat and a release word that it's okay to go up to the other person - you'll need to practice it on lead at first. That way when he sees someone else he thinks of you first.

You could also keep some yummy treats handy. When he is paying attention to another person call him to you and give him a treat (something that smells strong is good so he knows you have something). It may help him learn to check back with you when they are lapping up attention from someone else.

My dogs are super friendly with other people, but they will come back to me and give me a cuddle too to make sure I'm not missing out. It's something that comes with age but also a little bit of bribery...

 

[Tabitha]

In my mind dogs are not something to just toss out when you realize they aren't as attached to you as you want them to be. Have you considered giving Laddie what HE wants, not what YOU want. It sounds like he loves you, but he is very attached to Steve. Why separate them? Couldn't Steve have Laddie and you get another dog? I don't mean to offend you, but I believe in being straight with people, and it sounds like you need to hear it from an outsider. From what you've said in your posts it seems like your thinking a lot of yourself and not of your husband or your dog. I know how you feel, I've gone through depression too, and it hurts. I've felt that emptiness inside that just pulls you down until you feel so weak you can barley even think straight. It's hard not to feel sorry for yourself at times like this, but you need to try and try VERY hard.

Try putting yourself in Laddie's place. If you were a little girl again and very attached to your dad and you mom became so jealous she started becoming angry with you and your dad, wouldn't you want to stay away from her? Now imagine your a daddy's girl and your mom was proud of you and excepted it. Do you see the difference? Learn to EXEPT what your boy does and remember, he's just a baby. Please think about what I've said and try not to be too angry.

 

[Laddie's Mom]

In my mind dogs are not something to just toss out when you realize they aren't as attached to you as you want them to be. Have you considered giving Laddie what HE wants, not what YOU want. It sounds like he loves you, but he is very attached to Steve. Why separate them? Couldn't Steve have Laddie and you get another dog? I don't mean to offend you, but I believe in being straight with people, and it sounds like you need to hear it from an outsider. From what you've said in your posts it seems like your thinking a lot of yourself and not of your husband or your dog. I know how you feel, I've gone through depression too, and it hurts. I've felt that emptiness inside that just pulls you down until you feel so weak you can barley even think straight. It's hard not to feel sorry for yourself at times like this, but you need to try and try VERY hard.

Try putting yourself in Laddie's place. If you were a little girl again and very attached to your dad and you mom became so jealous she started becoming angry with you and your dad, wouldn't you want to stay away from her? Now imagine your a daddy's girl and your mom was proud of you and excepted it. Do you see the difference? Learn to EXEPT what your boy does and remember, he's just a baby. Please think about what I've said and try not to be too angry.

No worries, I am not angry a bit, and I can see where you are coming from. To be honest, there is a lot more to all this however than anyone will ever know. You see, Steve is a Labrador person, he did not even want a Sheltie, he got Lad for me, he is not ready for a dog because he is still pining away for his that he lost in the divorce a few years back. I have asked about another dog but he will hear nothing of the sort. I even suggested he get a Lab as that is his first love. Not to be nasty, but the more he senses that I am jealous of him and the dog, the more he pours love on him. He seems to resent it when I tell him the fun that Lad and I have had, walking, etc, I only tell him to let him know how my day has gone, just normal conversation. It just hurts so badly when Laddie lavishes him with love when I am around, it is just another issue that adds to my depression and homesickness. I am sure I am over reacting, but, well, I am lonesome, and was in high hopes of Lad and I being best friends like my last dog.

I know what you mean about depression, I have NEVER been this way before, since I have been here, going on a year this October, it has gotten so bad, I just want to dig a hole and sit in it. So many issues, had I known before I moved here or gotten married, I would have run the opposite direction. I could write a book, but, this is a lovely Sheltie forum, so, I won't, LOL.

Anyway, thanks for your concern and for your telling me from an outsider's point of view. I guess what will happen, will happen.

 

[Mignarda]

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars ...."

 

[susanmccain]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having an issue with Laddie. He is still a baby and is curious about anything and everyone. I agree with Caro that it will come in time. My Sir Dash is very into other people when we have a visitor....he is 2 but still very much a baby. He will come to me if someone is here but leaves to go right back to the other person. When we are here alone ,with no one else around, he is right with me most of the time. I have always felt that he would "out grow" this attention to others as he gets older. It sounds simple, I know...hang in there with him and enjoy your time alone.

 

[Jess041]

I experience this with Missy, but maybe not on the level that you do. I live alone, so I'm the sole care-giver to Missy. So when there's new people, or when we go visit my family, she's always more excited about them and wants to sit with them. It's hard not to get jealous, but she's probably thinking, "I see mom all the time, here's a new person!" The new person is obviously going to be more exciting than me.

We stayed with my sister a couple weeks ago for a night while we were at a flyball tournament in the town that she lives in. Missy as absolutely infatuated with my sister and wanted to sit on the couch with her and love on her. I turned a little green with envy, but then I was like, good, Missy is bothering her instead of me because I'm tired! Then when we went to leave at 6:30 am the next morning, Missy jumped up on the couch where my sister was sleeping and I couldn't help but snicker. Yeah it's all fun and games until she jumps on you early in the morning.

My point is, try not to let it get to you. Laddie loves you and gets to spend all day with you. He's young, but he knows you're the person who cares for him and most importantly, feeds him .

 

[Lunatic59]

I really don't want to turn this into an analysis forum or group therapy, but I would really and seriously suggest you seek counseling. From the way you are describing the situation with Laddie, there are a good many issues here, the least of which is who he's bonded to. Please don't make your problems his responsibility.

I have grown up (no 54 years old with a lot of depression mileage and family history) dealing with these issues in both family members and myself. I lost a cousin to suicide, a brother to alcohol and drug abuse and spent many months in therapy, which was my salvation.

You run the risk of turning a loving companion into a scapegoat. Please don't.

Sorry, but I've seen too much to let this go.

 

[melbell]

I have the same issue with my dogs as you do with Laddie. I've accepted the fact that I am "the enforcer" as oppose to "the play thing". My dogs both do agility with me and listen to me when I give them commands. They will cuddle with me and kiss me, but mainly if something better isn't around. My fiance plays with them ALL the time and also feeds them the majority.. they LOVE him. Honestly, to me it doesn't bother me because I still have them when it comes to agility and cuddles. They prefer to be in the room with me than without me, but if I'm in the room, they'll find something better to do if more people are there. I think you should just accept the fact that Laddie enjoys both of you and he will not just be "your" dog. I know that's what you want, but no dog is ever just one person's dog. And selling him, honestly, shocks me that your willing to just sell him and move on to the next one.. what if the next one doesn't want to be just "your" dog? Sell it too? You obviously don't care much for Laddie if you're willing to just sell him. Although my dogs love to play with my fiance, I would never just get rid of them.

 

[Laddie's Mom]

Hmmmmm, wow. Well, gee, looks like I opened a can of worms. I will just try to defend myself on some issues.

First, Steve works at home, so, he is not "new" to Lad.
Second, I am not using poor Lad as a scapegoat, far from it. Let me tell you the events leading up to his "adoption"

You see, when I married and moved here from the states, I became most depressed, I did not want a dog, any dog, but Steve more of less insisted that I get one for myself so I would not be so alone, etc. I argued against it, but, he was unyielding. We looked at some dogs, such as Border Collies, Collies, etc, none hit the spot with me. We did buy one dog, not a Sheltie, but she did not fit in with Steve or I, and was too big for my severe back injuries, so, we sold her to the vet tech about a month later. She was happy as houses to go with anyone, so, we both knew she would b OK. After that, I still did not want a dog, but he still insisted. so, I did a Google search for Shetland Sheepdogs thinking I would then feel differently about haveing one. That is when I found the breeder in Dunedin, about 6 hours from here. She sent me a picture of him, I thought he was cute, and we made arrangements to "meet" him. To be honest, I still had reservations. Well, we went to meet him and the breeder, she had about 5 Sheltie pups, all sold but him, I sat on the floor and they all came to me, but he was the most reluctant, I should have taken that signal, but I did not. We stayed a few days in the area until he was completely ready to go with us, I still really was not "sold" on the idea, but again, Steve pushed it. On February the 23, he came home with us. I never left his side, at night, I woke up almost every hour to take him out, played with him, walked him, gave him love snuggles, you name it, I was his "mommy" and I felt that I would grow closer to him like I did my first Sheltie. As he grew, he leaned more and more towards Steve, and of course, being so depressed, and such, it started to make me even more depressed. Here, I get a dog that I really did not want, but we both thought that after I got it, I would start to feel better, but it did not work; and the pup gets closer to Steve. I want to add that even though Steve pushed this whole idea, he did not, or said he didn't, want a Sheltie, he said he did it for me, he wanted a Labrador.

Well, I have taken very good care of the little fellow, I DO love him, but that "connection" is just not there, I guess because of all that has gone on, I do not feel he is mine at all. No matter what we are doing, if Steve walks by, he runs to him. I do not abuse him, I take fun walks all the time, play "fetch" feed him, groom him, hug and love him, and I do NOT holler when he heads towards Steve, I just hurt inside and cry to myself. Also, now that we have him, we no longer visit overnight with Steve's sister, or dad and step mom, I will not do it as it is not fair to poor Laddie. His family does not like dogs, so, if we ever did, Steve would make him stay in the kennel in their garage, I feel that is mean, so, I just won't visit over night anymore. Steve says there is nothing wrong with that, but, I beg to differ, Lad is not used to that and would cry. Steve compares the poor thing to his Lab that he lost in the divorce, that is not fair either, Lad is a Sheltie, NOT a Lab. He has so many pictures of his Labs, but hardly any of poor Laddie, I have about 900 so far, Proud Mommy, LOL. So, I mean, he doesn't really care for him like he should unless he sees that I am upset that Lad is with him, then, he pours it on.

I never should have gotten the sweet dog, he does not deserve all this dissension. I try not to argue in front of him, I know he is super sensitive to any conflict.

So, YES, I do love him, and if he were sold, I would cry, and of course, I would not do it, I was just so upset the day I posted this, I let it all hang out, I am so sorry now that I did. I am not a bad owner, honest, just confused and homesick and in a shaky marriage. I guess it leaks over into Laddie as well.

As to counseling, forget it, Steve would not approve, and in this small town, there are no such things and Christchurch is too far, I am still nervous about driving on the opposite side of the road and the steering wheel on the other side, I am getting better though.

Anyway, that is the story, please don't hate me, I so want to be a good owner, and I admit, I do want him to love me and follow me like he does Steve, I guess I am over-reacting, I have no one here, and I was in hopes that Laddie would be the answer. Oh well.