Problems with the new but old dog...

[Mikos_Mom]

A bit of background… 10 year old - female - shihtzu/poodle x - The dog belongs/ed to my partner and his ex-wife. For several years his ex kept the dog and then about 2.5 months ago decided it was unfair that she had the responsibility and sent the dog to live with us. My partner was thrilled to take the dog because he adores her… she's the first dog he ever owned… etc. I, on the other hand, wasn't thrilled. I'd met the dog a few times and didn't care for her much. I'm not really a fan of little dogs to begin with (probably because I've met very few that don't fit the stereotype of "spoiled, poorly behaved little dog") and this one only confirmed my reasons for not caring for small dogs.

My partner and I together have a 15 month old Miko (p/b sheltie). He's a big-time barker (mostly only when he's outside… birds, squirrels, leaves, bugs, wind, you get the idea… they're all great fun to run around and bark at) That being said, he's sweet, patient and obedient. He's incredibly friendly with all other dogs, kids and people. His joy for life is apparent and he wants nothing more than to play. So much so that we were looking into adopting another young sheltie so that they could have the time of their lives in our huge yard, etc. The brakes got put on that plan as soon as my partner's ex decided to send the dog to live with us.

Ok moving on… After 2.5 months, I haven't grown closer to that dog at all. In fact, I dislike more and more with every passing day. She growls and snaps at Miko constantly. He's much larger than she is (he's a giant sheltie... almost 19") , but he never reacts aggressively. In fact, all her growls just excite him and he gets even more playful. (my partner reprimands Miko and tells her him to "get away from the old girl") Whenever my partner pays the Miko or the cat any attention she's in there growling and snapping and trying to chase the younger dog away from "her" person. (he tells her "no"… but it's not a very convincing "no" and clearly it's not working because it's been going on for almost 3 months!!) She growls and barks at the cat non-stop. (again the weak "no" from him) If she hears the cat "meow" in a different part of the house she starts barking her fool head off and comes running and growling. (I keep hoping the cat will "school" her, but he's dog savvy and easy going, so he mostly just ignores her) The dogs are not allowed on the furniture, but I catch her on the couch all the time. She's growled and snapped at me when I've tried to push her off the couch. She growls and snaps when I try to pull her collar to remove her from an area. (my partner just sort of smiles and shrugs his shoulders when I tell him that this is happening… I think he thinks I'm making it up because he knows I'm not a fan of the dog) She growls and snaps at anyone that startles her. (ie. she was sleeping under the coffee table and my son accidently brushed her with his foot… she turned and nipped his foot) (My partner thinks it ok that she does this because "she got scared" …. I've asked him if this behaviour would be ok from a german shepard or any other big dog… he says "No… but she's just little and can't hurt anyone anyway") Whenever Miko is having fun/being boisterous she charges him and snaps at him (whether or not he's even close to her).

So there you have it. The dog doesn't "fit" in our pack at all… and my partner doesn't have the stomach (he's such a softy when it comes to animals) to do any work on her issues. He coddles her… he gives affection and praise for absolutely nothing (quite often immediately following some sort of bad behaviour… or when she comes up demanding it)… he doesn't make her follow the same rules that Miko has learned to follow (he's been raised with the "nothing in life is free" philosophy and gets treats, affection and praise when he's earned it… he knows he's not the boss and he doesn't even try to be)

I've tried to discuss it with him calmly and reasonably, but he takes everything I say as a critisism of the dog and/or his handling of the dog. (truth be told, I am critical of the way that dog is treated… she's a little headache of a dog because of the way she's been raised!!!) I try to explain that he needs to be her leader and that her "being nervous" is a result of lack of clear rules/boundaries and leadership. I don't think he gets it though. I think he thinks I'm just advocating for him to "punish" the dog because I don't like her. He adores her… I adore him… I'm stuck. The dog isn't going anywhere and we certainly aren't going our separate ways because of dog... But how do I get through the next few years without simply waiting for the dog to be gone? Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

[SheepOfBlue]

I read a story once about a couple, she loved to have thimbles decorating the counters. He hated them. For decades he would put them in the cabinet when she was not looking, only for her to later take them out. After her passing he never again put them away.

So since you are not parting why not just let it go and lose by doing so you might win a lot. He might be less protective and more open to change if it can become his idea. The dog likely senses your dislike and is worse for it. As to Mikos I would just let them sort it out. Sca would DEARLY love to have 'the bear' (folks Shiztu) play. Well 'the bear' does not play . He has tore off after Sca a couple of times and Sca thinks it is great fun but in general he just checks to be sure 'the bear' has not changed his mind about being fun once in a while. So my guess is that likewise Mikos is not upset just puzzled and if the little puffball wants to grumble and grump it will not really effect Mr Mikos. As to the cat I have never seen one that would not set things straight when the limit was hit.

 

[Mikos_Mom]

For a sheep... you are incredibly wise

I have to admit... that a few weeks ago I had managed to set a lot of my resentment aside (partly because I dearly love my partner and his happiness is important and partly because the little cranky hag was kind of growing on me.. things were improving a bit)... a couple of things have happened since that caused a set-back in my bonding with her... now low and behold, she's back to square one and my blood pressure is off the charts.

She likely does sense that I don't like her and that I favour Miko over her. Guess I have to shake it off and keep on keepin' on.

Thanks!!

 

[Meldor]

I agree that the dog is probably sensing your dislike. I would try giving her treats and reinforcing behavior you want in the situations like : getting her off the couch, putting her collar on. If she starts chasing the cat try calling her over and reward her with a treat for coming.

And at 10 years old the poor thing might be in pain and probably quite shaken up of changing homes after being somewhere for most of its life.

When we visit my parents, their 14 year old beagle barks loudly and snaps if Kyara (my 1 year old Sheltie) ever goes close to her. When I had just got my Sheltie, she would be very persistent and try and play with the old beagle, but eventually she understood that the old beagle does not play. She still gets excited when the beagle walks around but she does play bows and runs around at a 4 feet distance from the old dog.

It's just an old dog defending itself from the chaotic energy of a young Sheltie. I don't think she should be scolded for growling at the Sheltie if he is being overexcited around her. In our case the old beagle growls and barks often when nothing is even close, we realized that it is because she is starting to lose her vision and she is not sure if something really is close. We simply reassure her saying like ''Kelly, there's nothing'' (in a firm but non-scolding voice) then when we see she is paying attention to us we say ''it's okay!'' (in a nicer voice).

Anyhow, I do think you should give this old dog a chance, she also deserves some love especially after going through the traumatizing experience of changing families at such an old age.

 

[OntarioSheltie]

Some how you and your partner need to be on the same page regarding this dog, first of all.

I really give you credit for allowing a dog that you do not like to live with you anyway,that's dedication. But as long as you continue to dislike this dog, it is never going to become an acceptable part of your family because the dog will sense your negative feelings and be confused about you, even fearful, which can appear as aggression issues.

On the other hand, resource guarding isn't acceptable, especially when that resource is a person. I know this makes you resent the dog, but its not the dog's fault, its the fault of your partner and your partner's ex. This poor dog was never taught about rules and boundaries and probably had little to no experience with other dogs. This poor dogs world was already out of control and now he's in a new home too. How else is he going to get some control of his life but through growls and snaps, the only thing he knows?

You are absolutely right in telling your partner that it is not acceptable behavior and that it must be corrected. Its certainly something I wouldn't tollerate. But your anger and the conflict this dog is causing between you and your partner is not going to resolve this dog's issues, only make them worse.

I hope you don't think I'm critisizing you, because I don't mean to and I certainly don't know you or your situation, only what I've read here. I'm just trying to point things out from a different perspective, the perspective of this dog. I could be COMPLETELY off the mark, but maybe he's not that bad a dog, just completely misunderstood?

My first suggestion to you would be that when you're around this dog, try to imagine what life might be like for him. 2-3 months in a new home isn't very long and he's probably nervous and scared because he senses negative feelings and doesn't know why their there. If you can't intereact with him or be around him positive energy, at least go for neutral energy.

Instead of assuming he's nasty, assume he knows absolutely nothing. Treat him like a bad puppy. If he snaps, don't get angry or say anything, in a neutral way take him by the collar and crate him for a few minutes or give him a time out in another room.

Re teach him things like sit, stay, lie down, etc. using positive methods to build his trust and confidence in you, as well as a bond.

I'd also look into NILIF training, which will help him learn rules and consequences.

I'd also suggest that you and your partner should probably enroll the dog in an obedience class and have a trainer help you both with his issues. This would not only benefit the dog but hopefully help the conflict between you and your partner if you're approaching training together instead of from different sides.

I think if you can get past these negative feelings you have about him, you may find that he has some redeeming qualities.

Of course, he may just be a really obnoxious little dog too.

 

[ClantyreSheltie]

and my partner doesn't have the stomach (he's such a softy when it comes to animals) to do any work on her issues.

I'm stuck. The dog isn't going anywhere and we certainly aren't going our separate ways because of dog... But how do I get through the next few years without simply waiting for the dog to be gone? Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

I strongly dislike Poodles, and this is one of the reasons. They are snot-nosed little heathens who don't really care what you have to say.

Tell him to man up or the dog goes. Period. If he can't manage the dog, it needs to go. Let him know that HE is the problem and that yes, you are being critical. Start correcting and rewarding HIS behavior so that he understands what you expect of him.

Hmm. Maybe this is why I'm single...

Edit: I would allow no more than a few weeks adjustment for this dog. He has not been "uprooted", he is with someone he knows, just in a new place. It's not nearly as traumatizing as it sounds.

 

[OntarioSheltie]

P.S. Sorry I referred to 'her' as 'him' in my whole message.

Also, does 'the dog' have a name? It might help you if you can think of her as a 'being' with a name, instead of 'the dog' or 'that animal.'

I hope everything I said is helpful to you and not offensive!

 

[SheepOfBlue]

I strongly dislike Poodles, and this is one of the reasons. They are snot-nosed little heathens who don't really care what you have to say.

Tell him to man up or the dog goes. Period. If he can't manage the dog, it needs to go. Let him know that HE is the problem and that yes, you are being critical. Start correcting and rewarding HIS behavior so that he understands what you expect of him.

Hmm. Maybe this is why I'm single...

Edit: I would allow no more than a few weeks adjustment for this dog. He has not been "uprooted", he is with someone he knows, just in a new place. It's not nearly as traumatizing as it sounds.

Yep you might be able to train a Sheltie in a few weeks but men are much harder to train proper Some take decades from what I have heard

 

[Mikos_Mom]

I strongly dislike Poodles, and this is one of the reasons. They are snot-nosed little heathens who don't really care what you have to say.

Tell him to man up or the dog goes. Period. If he can't manage the dog, it needs to go. Let him know that HE is the problem and that yes, you are being critical. Start correcting and rewarding HIS behavior so that he understands what you expect of him.

Hmm. Maybe this is why I'm single...

Edit: I would allow no more than a few weeks adjustment for this dog. He has not been "uprooted", he is with someone he knows, just in a new place. It's not nearly as traumatizing as it sounds.

I knew I had a good feeling about you!!!

In all seriousness, I'd like to do a lot of what you said.... but at the same time I know that what others have said (ie. it's the not the dog's fault that she's clueless... she was never trained to be a good dog) is true too. They (my partner, his ex and their daughters) thought her growling and snapping was cute... they let her up on the furniture... they fawned all over her and gave her treats just for being cute... well it's all resulted in a dog that's FAR from cute, if you ask me. Unfortunately... no one asked me!!!!!!.... That's probably part of my resentment too... I was "told" one day that I should stop looking for a rescue sheltie because "Tasha" would be coming to live with us. I get it that his ex is a lunatic and that he had to agree to it to keep the peace... but that doesn't change the fact that I have a little dog living with me that #1. I didn't want... #2. I don't like... #3. I didn't want... #4. I don't like... BTW... Did I mention that I didn't want a 10yr old shih-tzu/poodle... I wanted a play-mate for Miko!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to try to talk to my SO and see if we can meet somewhere in the middle. It's NOT ok that she growls and snaps at Miko, the kids and the cat... but it's also not ok for Miko to pester her. It's not ok that she doesn't have to live by the same rules as Miko (that's probably my #1 beef... treat them the same!!)... but I have to be patient and give her a bit more time to learn the rules. (SO has to be get on board too... so far, I'm the only one who enforces the rules)

Anyway... thanks for letting me vent

 

[Mikos_Mom]

Some how you and your partner need to be on the same page regarding this dog, first of all.

I really give you credit for allowing a dog that you do not like to live with you anyway,that's dedication. But as long as you continue to dislike this dog, it is never going to become an acceptable part of your family because the dog will sense your negative feelings and be confused about you, even fearful, which can appear as aggression issues.

On the other hand, resource guarding isn't acceptable, especially when that resource is a person. I know this makes you resent the dog, but its not the dog's fault, its the fault of your partner and your partner's ex. This poor dog was never taught about rules and boundaries and probably had little to no experience with other dogs. This poor dogs world was already out of control and now he's in a new home too. How else is he going to get some control of his life but through growls and snaps, the only thing he knows?

You are absolutely right in telling your partner that it is not acceptable behavior and that it must be corrected. Its certainly something I wouldn't tollerate. But your anger and the conflict this dog is causing between you and your partner is not going to resolve this dog's issues, only make them worse.

I hope you don't think I'm critisizing you, because I don't mean to and I certainly don't know you or your situation, only what I've read here. I'm just trying to point things out from a different perspective, the perspective of this dog. I could be COMPLETELY off the mark, but maybe he's not that bad a dog, just completely misunderstood?

My first suggestion to you would be that when you're around this dog, try to imagine what life might be like for him. 2-3 months in a new home isn't very long and he's probably nervous and scared because he senses negative feelings and doesn't know why their there. If you can't intereact with him or be around him positive energy, at least go for neutral energy.

Instead of assuming he's nasty, assume he knows absolutely nothing. Treat him like a bad puppy. If he snaps, don't get angry or say anything, in a neutral way take him by the collar and crate him for a few minutes or give him a time out in another room.

Re teach him things like sit, stay, lie down, etc. using positive methods to build his trust and confidence in you, as well as a bond.

I'd also look into NILIF training, which will help him learn rules and consequences.

I'd also suggest that you and your partner should probably enroll the dog in an obedience class and have a trainer help you both with his issues. This would not only benefit the dog but hopefully help the conflict between you and your partner if you're approaching training together instead of from different sides.

I think if you can get past these negative feelings you have about him, you may find that he has some redeeming qualities.

Of course, he may just be a really obnoxious little dog too.

I certainly didn't feel critisized... no worries!!

You're right that my partner and I need to be on the same page. We've discussed his/my expectations for the dog and ultimately we're in agreement about where we want to be... we just disagree on how to get there. He says that he "has to do things in his own way and in his own time"... well, to date, that means not doing a heck of a lot. A wimpy "no" here and a "tsshht" there doesn't cut it. He just can't bring himself to be firmer with her and/or to establish himself as the boss.

I'm trying not to be angry... I'm definitely not freaking out or arguing about it... but I'm sure my anxiety level and frustration is palpable in the house. I'm working on it!!

Thanks again!!